I got into lots of trouble while learning to drive.
I had a problem using the brake pedal.
It wasn’t because I didnt want to come to a stop.
I just didn’t know if I could afford to replace what I broke.

I like watering plants.
It gives me a sense of power over the plants.
Because they cannot water themselves.
Don’t piss me off, plant, or I shall not water you.

The other day my wife asked my daughter to clean her room.
I said to my wife, “Why didn’t you just ask her to cure cancer, you’ll have the same result.”

I had a pot of cactii in which two of the cactii died suddenly.
I left the dead cactii in the pot to serve as a warning to all of the other cactii that were having rebellious thoughts:
“This is what you will look like if you stray from the path of growth and development.”
You see, cactii appreciate negative reinforcement, they use it themselves:
If you try to stroke a cactus lovingly, it will prick you.
I think they will get my message.

When I was a kid I discovered a frozen slug in our freezer.
I was confused as to how he got there.
Then I realised that he must have come in on the iceberg lettuce.

When I dig a hole in the dirt, I like to make a mound out of the extra dirt as close as I can to the hole. That way I wont throw off the earth’s gravitational spin.

I like digging in clay because its texturally challenging. Other dirt is like”oh ok”, but clay is like “No! I’m going to hang around here for a while.”

Male cats have it easy. All they need to worry about is getting it in the box. They have no concerns about female cats bitching that they didn’t put the seat down.

If I ever owned a market I would make sure that it was round. That way, no bastard could sneak in and corner it.

WTFWJD?

When people find out that I’m an Australian, they often ask me to tell them about my country. If I delve into the history of the country, I try to refer to it as a prison colony, not a penal colony. That way I dont give the impression that it was just a male-only nudist resort.

If I am ever out in the fields and I get attacked by a giant beetle of some sort, I am going to run for the nearest stretch of concrete. When the hungry beetle follows, I am going to suddenly turn around and barge into it, knocking it onto its back. Then I shall taunt it as it tries to right itself. If the barging thing doesn’t work, I’ll just keep running.