Two teenage women were arrested this evening in the lower Greenville area of downtown Dallas after an apparent dispute broke out into a street brawl.

The altercation occurred at approximately 10:30pm this evening according to the many witnesses at the scene.

“One woman went up to this other one, right there on the dance floor and started screaming”, said one witness whom asked not to be named, “screaming stuff like ‘You took my cherry you bitch! You stole it away from me!’ And all of us, the group I was with, we just raised our eyebrows and wondered if this was some sort of lover’s spat. I mean its not even possible for woman to take another’s cherry is it?”

Apparently so, or at least it is according to Amanda Huginkiss, whom was arrested on charges of public nuisance after the confrontation escalated into a fistfight on the street outside the nightclub. “That bitch took my cherry!” she yelled as Dallas officers ushered her, handcuffed, into a squad car.

I spoke to the “victim” of this apparent lover’s spat, Samantha Lipzit, whom had the following to say, “Amanda never treated it well. I didn’t take her cherry! She practically handed it to me on a silver platter.”

Strange? Yes. A torrid lesbian affair gone wrong? No. It gets even stranger.

There is a third party involved in what appears to be a sordid love triangle.

My questioning at the scene led me to a rather open gentleman inside that same Dallas nightclub. Pictured below, he requested that I refer to him only as “Bing”.

Bing Cherry sitting on a barstool
at a downtown Dallas nightclub
as a patron makes an unfortunate gesture
with her hand.

When I asked him about the events of the evening his only reply was that “Amanda never really loved me, I am glad that Samantha picked me”.

Unfortunately our interview with Bing was cut short as police attending the scene from the earlier incident arrived and arrested this him for indecent exposure. As he was being dragged out of the nightclub he was heard shouting, “I’m a cherry. Sure I have a huge schlong, but its not like I can cover it up. Who makes clothing for cherries?”

DEVELOPING…

Situation:

You had a real bender last night. The amber liquid flowed like the tap was notched up to “11”, and boy was that a fun time.

Problem:

You’ve left beer bottles all over the place and, a) You need to get rid of them before the old lady sees what you have been up to, b) The in-laws are about to make an impromptu visit and she doesn’t want them to see what a pig she married, c) Some of her friends are about to stop by and she doesn’t want them to see what a pig she married, or d) Goddamn it, those trash people come way too early in the morning!

Typical (and erroneous) Solutions:

1) The Two Handed Grab
This technique requires that you grab as many of your shot brewskies as possible within your tong-like grasp, as illustrated thusly:

The problem is that you’re dealing with bottles that don’t really like to be gathered in a group. You will most likely drop at least one if not more of your dead soldiers. Typically what follows is spillage of any remains (and the wrath of the wench), and lord help you, breakage of bottles. This is a NO NO. You will be on the couch for lord knows how long. Don’t even attempt this.

2) The Beer Belly Embrace
This technique requires that you gather up a number of bottles and clasp them against your belly while you then reach down for additional bottles to add to your load. Initially, this seems like a good idea. You get three or four bottles firmly ensconced against your carbo loving gut, and then reach down for a few more to add to the load. Oh dear… beer leftovers all over the floor. Who’s going to clean that up?

You’ll notice that I have a maximum of five bottles here with little room left to spare. Trying to push this limit will result in catrastrophe. Don’t do it.
Never fear. The Beer Bottle Transportation Technique is here to save you from the ugly repercussions of your alcohol addiction. Or, at least, the part where you leave beer bottles strewn all over the place.

Solution:

This technique requires the use technology that is available to almost all individuals as shown below:

Hopefully, you have five fingers to share amongst you.

- Step 1: Position ONE finger directly above the bottleneck of the target beer bottle thusly:

- Step 2: Lower finger into bottleneck until a firm seal is achieved.

- Step 3: Repeat Steps 1 and 2 until you look like a cow ready to get milked at a dairy farm. I’ve found that it is easiest to start at one end of your hand and work to the other end.

If you have no doors or other hindrances, between you and wherever you are stashing your bottles, I recommend that you go full throttle and load up your other hand with bottles thusly:

That’s a full load of ten bottles of beer. Because each bottle is stoppered with a finger, there is no worry about any beer pilling out of the bottles during transportation.
If doors must be navigated, I recommend that one employ the Beer Bottle Transportation Technique mixed in with an added Beer Belly Embrace. Simply proceed with steps one through three and then add a few extras tucked tightly against that gut of yours. This will allow one free hand to negotiate doorknobs and the like.

Note: Do not try this with beer cans. You’ll shred your fingers open. And what are you drinking out of cans for anyway?

Released in 2003 by the Dutch electronica group, 4 Strings, Believe sported two singles that did well in the US: Take Me Away (Into The Night) and Diving. Unbeknownst to most US fans of these songs, the album also carried a number of solid instrumental tracks that were worthy of consideration, but probably received little attention outside of the small pockets of techno dance clubs scattered around the nation.

Besides Us is one of those tracks that deserved attention. This fast paced, blood pumping song races along at a foot stomping tempo, broken only by a traditional slow “reflection” moment, then quickly regains its momentum. Culminating in a self-confident exclamation of its melody, it then slowly winds back down to a rapid pace finish.

While Besides Us may verge on getting a little repetitive, it doesn’t cross that line too often, quickly adding layer after layer. From slow and drifting soundscapes laid on top of the driving beat, to the sudden drop away, and then resumption of, the pounding base. Couple this with variations of the melody weaving in and out, your ears won’t have time to wander away or get distracted.

Besides Us is close to the ultimate in techno, with its clean dreamy melodies carried along by rapid fire beats, and a conspicuous lack of umcha-umcha. Perfect for your next dance party, as a new addition to your work out soundtrack, or as background music for any mundane tasks where you can afford to zone out for a while.

Besides Us by 4 Strings from Believe

It appears Alton Brown, the endearing host of Good Eats, had a motorcycle accident while filming his new limited series, ironically titled “Feasting On Asphalt”. He apparently hit a ditch 20 miles north of Las Vegas and was sent sprawling. Brown sustained a broken clavicle as a result.

The incident was caught on camera and will be featured in episode four. Feasting On Asphalt, which follows Brown as he travels around the US on motorcycle, premieres on the Food Network on July 29th.

On his website, Brown writes:

Just want to say “thanks” to those who sent cards, emails, sides of beef, etc. in the wake of my mishap in the Nevada desert. Although a broken clavicle is indeed a painful thing, at least we know for sure that Isaac Newton pretty much nailed it with that second law of his.

I should heal just fine but I will have a nasty lump on my shoulder for the rest of my days. (Dang … there goes that modeling career). To those ghouls out there who inquired as to whether or not the event was captured on camera you’ll be comforted to know that the crash will be featured in episode 4 of Feasting on Asphalt. But I have to warn you: it was a low charisma event. No flames, no smoke … just a lot of dust and discomfort.

And features a picture of himself looking quite pained:

I am certainly glad to hear that the accident was not more serious and that he’s retained his witty sense of humor about the whole incident. Looking forward to watching Feasting on Asphalt. Especially episode four

So it would seem, if you are to believe comedian Frank Caliendo (you might be familiar with his John Madden impressions). Caliendo made mention of it in a radio interview on The Jagger Show, which airs during morning drive on a local Dallas station, Live 105.3 Free FM.

When host, Jagger, questioned why he hadn’t done a show at the local Improv Comedy Club on Wednesday, Caliendo noted that he had performed a corporate gig for Symantec. While discussing the nature of corporate gigs, Caliendo said that the Vice President of Symantec used four letter words (it would be my guess that he wasn’t referring to “viri”), which made Caliendo feel more comfortable, even though he does a clean show.

There’s a lot of VPs at Symantec. Caliendo did not identify whom he was referring to.

I’ve always enjoyed Caliendo’s brand of comedy, and his impersonations are genius. He’s currently playing at the Improv club in Addision through the 16th, so go check him out if you get a chance.

I noticed an interesting little continuity issue on an episode of Good Eats aired on The Food Network last night. I believe the episode was called “Wonton Ways”. The episode focused, unsurprisingly enough, on Wonton Wrappers.

At one point in the episode Alton is cooking Pot Stickers in a skillet, and Mr. Brown warns the viewer to leave them alone for two minutes, and then we see him walk out of the shot. On the shelf behind him is a large clock that reads 4:09.

When he returns seconds later (we are lead to believe a two minute time lapse has occured), the clock still reads 4:09. Indeed in a couple of subsequent shots, we can see that the reading on the clock has not changed.

Mr Brown, I think thy clock is defunct or in need of some AA’s.

Otherwise, it was another of his fine shows.

What do you get when you combine an overweight (slightly!) middle-aged male with a good sense of humor, a pair of old jeans, a digital camera, video and audio editing software, and that damn Right Said Fred tune?

Well, this of course: I’m Too Sexy (Make sure your volume is on)

Or you can download a clearer but smaller version here.

There are a number of things that will stop a man in his tracks and cause him to pause and re-evaluate his situation.

I encountered one of those things this evening in my backyard while going to get my hose…

There it was lying next to the side of the house. A long length of snake skin. My immediate reaction was to look down at my naked feet, followed quickly by an inquisitive scan of the surrounding area. Somehow I felt vulnerable. I didn’t know how old the skin was and where it’s former owner might now be residing…

While I was going over various explanations in my mind, I rustled up the tape measure from the garage and grabbed the camera. This guy looked to be of a fairly decent size, and I wanted to see just how long he actually was.

That’s pretty close to four and three quarter feet long. That’s no baby.

A reassuring thought came to mind that perhaps the skin had blown into the yard from somewhere else, but the right hemisphere of my brain quickly noted that:

• The snakeskin was laid out straight and not in some curled up position that one might expect after being blown around by the wind.
• The head end of the snakeskin was lying behind some piping and wiring, as though it was left there, not blown by some random wind (as highlighted in the above picture).

The coloring of the snake appears to be a solid light brown with a darker brown stripe down its spine.

I tried doing some brief research online to try and identify what sort of snake it might be. This proved more difficult than I had imagined, because a) Its hard to tell the color and patterning of a snake from its skin alone, once it is out of it, and b) it seems that a lot of snakes with the same name have wildly different colorings and markings. That aside, I think its either a coachwhip snake, a cottonmouth snake or a brown snake (personally I am leaning toward the last).

I’ve not really got anything against snakes. I handled cobras etc when I was a kid in Malaysia where street handlers would come around and put on snake shows. My parents told me that a snake on my grandparent’s farm killed my boyhood dog. I nearly stepped on some sort of a water snake as a teenager (except a mate was walking ahead and to the side of me and scared it off). I used to have dreams about snakes chasing me and no matter how fast I ran I could not shake them off. But those are all idiosyncrasies. Ultimately, I feel a snake has just as much right to be here as anything else.

But in my backyard?

It gives you a creepy feeling. You know its there somewhere. And you just hope you don’t stumble across it while minding your own business and piss it off.

I’m supposed to drink x glasses of water a day. It’s supposed to be good for me. Its good for weight loss, it replaces the water I lose during my daily activities, etc etc.

The problem is not the drinking of the water though. The problem is that it is boring. It’s not pleasing to the palate after the first 16 fluid ounces, and by 32 I am begging for the water torture to stop.

Until now.

My wife recently introduced me to MetroMint Spearmint water. I must say, I’ve taken on a new view of water as a result.

MetroMint Spearmint is water. Pure. Simple. Flavored with Spearmint. No additives. No sweeteners. No preservatives. Just water and spearmint. It’s just like drinking all of those fluid ounces of water that I had been before, but with a refreshing taste.

So how does MetroMint Spearmint taste? Like chewing spearmint gum and drinking water at the same time. The flavor is not overpowering in the slightest, yet manages to be very refreshing. Spearmint has always been a favorite of mine ever since discovering spearmint leaves candy as a kid (and then spearmint gum as a teenager), and MetroMint Spearmint manages to capture the essence of that memory without the added sweetness.

And it made my breath feel fresher as well. I also felt more alert and refreshed after drinking a serving. I attribute that primarily to the refreshing taste that wakes your taste buds up, without overwhelming them.

For me, MetroMint Spearmint has allowed me to drink more water everyday without the doldrums of having to face yet another bottle of that same old stuff.

For stores near you, and further information about MetroMint Spearmint, visit www.metromint.com

I’m serious.

Don’t believe me? Go and have a close look at it. Yes, get up from wherever you are reading this and go do an inspection of your bathtub. I won’t mind. I’ll be waiting for you when you return.

Didn’t see any?

I’m not surprised.

But they are there. They are swarming around in that tiny pool of water at the far end, which never drains properly. The soap grime around the sides is awash with critters. They have regular banquets on the tiny pieces of flesh, and hair, that sloughs off your body and never quite makes it down the drain every time you bathe. Oh, the drain! Have you seen the gunk in your drain?

Bacteria. Microbes. Nasty things.

Face it, your tub is a whole “micro-environment” teaming with life.

But it’s not the only example. They are all around you.

Notice your kitchen sink. Imagine all the food that gets caught on the surface each time you rinse the dishes. A garbage disposal should be enough to make you shudder.

The basin in your bathroom is the same. As is your shower with the ever-persistent mold that wants so desperately to take hold in the grout between the tiles and serve as a buffet for the hordes of miniscule creatures it will attract.

Don’t forget your toilet bowl. But let’s not go there. I am sure that I can trust your vivid imagination to take care of the details about that particular location without me having to spell it out.

And this is the very reason that you periodically clean your tubs and your basins, your showers and your toilet bowls (though some of you should probably consider cleaning yours more regularly).

This chore however, is unattractive manual labor using chemicals and cleaning agents that may very well eat wholes in your hands if you don’t don a pair of gloves. Unless you have a cleaning service to do the dirty work for you, which is then only an annoying drain on your wallet.

What if I told you that a better solution was on the horizon?

And that it would actually involve putting bugs in your tub?

Are you familiar with the fields of sciences called Nanotechnologies?

Not really?

Put really simply, they are all characterized by the fact that they focus on working at a scale that is equivalent with molecules.

Here, to illustrate what I am talking about, take a strand of hair from your head and pull it out. Don’t worry, you’ve got plenty more where that came from (unless you are bald or heading in that direction, in which case you may just want to pretend you did).

Now look at the width of that strand of hair. Most hair is approximately 75,000 nanometers in width. Most nanotechnologies concern themselves on a scale of 1 to 100 nanometers.

So we’re talking small.

Really small.

Research and development in the fields of nanotechnologies is being carried out every day in all sorts of branches of science from medicine to biology, physics to computing. However in the future I foresee a more… domestic… application.

And this is where we get back to bugs in your tub.

Imagine being able to dispense with those caustic cleaners and replacing them with a container of miniature machines. Thousands, if not tens of thousands of miniature machines.

Those machines are our bugs.

The instructions on the container are simple: Open container and leave in bottom of tub for 45 minutes. Discard when done.

What you can’t see, and what is so amazing about this product is the legion of bugs that are now working for you, scouring the surface of your tub. Scraping up and possibly even consuming every scrap of refuse like they were a ravenous pack of dermestid beetles. They even kill off and destroy those nasty bugs. Then as the progress down your tub they head into your drain where their work continues. And then down on through your pipes (reducing the risk of pipe blockages from building up). Finally, their task complete, they head down into the sewage system where they are extracted at the local plant.

That’s the disposable version that will supplant products such as Scrubbing Bubbles and the like.

Following quickly on the heels will be the more upscale innovations where the bugs are actually part of new bathtubs, showers and toilets. These models will have containment areas for the bugs. And they will be programmable to clean on a schedule that matches your life style. Perhaps twice a week after 2am, when you are unlikely to be using the facilities…

The benefit with this application is that the bugs would return to the containment area once the work had been complete and require minimal replacements.

Of course there are certain risks that will need to be developed around, as with any new technology. It would be disastrous if our industrious little workers got into the drinking supply. It would also be prudent to, in some way, prevent usage of the facilities in question, lest you be discovered weeks later lying in your tub, a perfectly polished skeleton.

Still, I predict that you can look forward to a time where you discard all those fancy swivel headed toilet brushes, those nasty chemicals, and even those drain de-cloggers. Having a sanitary environment to live in will be as simple as putting bugs in your tub!