Situation:

You had a real bender last night. The amber liquid flowed like the tap was notched up to “11”, and boy was that a fun time.

Problem:

You’ve left beer bottles all over the place and, a) You need to get rid of them before the old lady sees what you have been up to, b) The in-laws are about to make an impromptu visit and she doesn’t want them to see what a pig she married, c) Some of her friends are about to stop by and she doesn’t want them to see what a pig she married, or d) Goddamn it, those trash people come way too early in the morning!

Typical (and erroneous) Solutions:

1) The Two Handed Grab
This technique requires that you grab as many of your shot brewskies as possible within your tong-like grasp, as illustrated thusly:

The problem is that you’re dealing with bottles that don’t really like to be gathered in a group. You will most likely drop at least one if not more of your dead soldiers. Typically what follows is spillage of any remains (and the wrath of the wench), and lord help you, breakage of bottles. This is a NO NO. You will be on the couch for lord knows how long. Don’t even attempt this.

2) The Beer Belly Embrace
This technique requires that you gather up a number of bottles and clasp them against your belly while you then reach down for additional bottles to add to your load. Initially, this seems like a good idea. You get three or four bottles firmly ensconced against your carbo loving gut, and then reach down for a few more to add to the load. Oh dear… beer leftovers all over the floor. Who’s going to clean that up?

You’ll notice that I have a maximum of five bottles here with little room left to spare. Trying to push this limit will result in catrastrophe. Don’t do it.
Never fear. The Beer Bottle Transportation Technique is here to save you from the ugly repercussions of your alcohol addiction. Or, at least, the part where you leave beer bottles strewn all over the place.

Solution:

This technique requires the use technology that is available to almost all individuals as shown below:

Hopefully, you have five fingers to share amongst you.

- Step 1: Position ONE finger directly above the bottleneck of the target beer bottle thusly:

- Step 2: Lower finger into bottleneck until a firm seal is achieved.

- Step 3: Repeat Steps 1 and 2 until you look like a cow ready to get milked at a dairy farm. I’ve found that it is easiest to start at one end of your hand and work to the other end.

If you have no doors or other hindrances, between you and wherever you are stashing your bottles, I recommend that you go full throttle and load up your other hand with bottles thusly:

That’s a full load of ten bottles of beer. Because each bottle is stoppered with a finger, there is no worry about any beer pilling out of the bottles during transportation.
If doors must be navigated, I recommend that one employ the Beer Bottle Transportation Technique mixed in with an added Beer Belly Embrace. Simply proceed with steps one through three and then add a few extras tucked tightly against that gut of yours. This will allow one free hand to negotiate doorknobs and the like.

Note: Do not try this with beer cans. You’ll shred your fingers open. And what are you drinking out of cans for anyway?