Because when you’re sick, there’s nothing that gets you to feeling better
than some good ol’ Cock Soup.

I love the declaration that it is “SPICY”.

Of course, being manufactured in Jamaica, I can imagine a lot of Jamaican guys being paid minimum wages to whip up batch upon batch of Cock soup mix for packaging.

I hear employee satisfaction is at an all time high at that Grace facility.

Kudos to my wife whom discovered and purchased this gem knowing that I would have to share it with you all.

However, don’t hold your breathe waiting for me to tell you what Cock Soup tastes like. I had a look at the nutritional information and its VERY salty!

VS

Charlie Brown VS Outkast.

You decide!

I noticed this ad on a well respected News website a couple of days ago:

Now, even if I do have homicidal pants, I’m so not going to be clicking some bald man’s crotch. And why on earth did the ad designer decide to photoshop him (and very poorly I might add), in front of a waterfall of all things?

Is it just me or does this desktop icon of Sauron’s All Seeing Eye for the game Battle for Middle-Earth look like a horribly inflamed (and painful) part of the female anatomy?

Q. What’s the worst thing about being a cripple with no arms and having diarrhea?

A. You can run but you can’t wipe.

Two teenage women were arrested this evening in the lower Greenville area of downtown Dallas after an apparent dispute broke out into a street brawl.

The altercation occurred at approximately 10:30pm this evening according to the many witnesses at the scene.

“One woman went up to this other one, right there on the dance floor and started screaming”, said one witness whom asked not to be named, “screaming stuff like ‘You took my cherry you bitch! You stole it away from me!’ And all of us, the group I was with, we just raised our eyebrows and wondered if this was some sort of lover’s spat. I mean its not even possible for woman to take another’s cherry is it?”

Apparently so, or at least it is according to Amanda Huginkiss, whom was arrested on charges of public nuisance after the confrontation escalated into a fistfight on the street outside the nightclub. “That bitch took my cherry!” she yelled as Dallas officers ushered her, handcuffed, into a squad car.

I spoke to the “victim” of this apparent lover’s spat, Samantha Lipzit, whom had the following to say, “Amanda never treated it well. I didn’t take her cherry! She practically handed it to me on a silver platter.”

Strange? Yes. A torrid lesbian affair gone wrong? No. It gets even stranger.

There is a third party involved in what appears to be a sordid love triangle.

My questioning at the scene led me to a rather open gentleman inside that same Dallas nightclub. Pictured below, he requested that I refer to him only as “Bing”.

Bing Cherry sitting on a barstool
at a downtown Dallas nightclub
as a patron makes an unfortunate gesture
with her hand.

When I asked him about the events of the evening his only reply was that “Amanda never really loved me, I am glad that Samantha picked me”.

Unfortunately our interview with Bing was cut short as police attending the scene from the earlier incident arrived and arrested this him for indecent exposure. As he was being dragged out of the nightclub he was heard shouting, “I’m a cherry. Sure I have a huge schlong, but its not like I can cover it up. Who makes clothing for cherries?”

DEVELOPING…

Situation:

You had a real bender last night. The amber liquid flowed like the tap was notched up to “11”, and boy was that a fun time.

Problem:

You’ve left beer bottles all over the place and, a) You need to get rid of them before the old lady sees what you have been up to, b) The in-laws are about to make an impromptu visit and she doesn’t want them to see what a pig she married, c) Some of her friends are about to stop by and she doesn’t want them to see what a pig she married, or d) Goddamn it, those trash people come way too early in the morning!

Typical (and erroneous) Solutions:

1) The Two Handed Grab
This technique requires that you grab as many of your shot brewskies as possible within your tong-like grasp, as illustrated thusly:

The problem is that you’re dealing with bottles that don’t really like to be gathered in a group. You will most likely drop at least one if not more of your dead soldiers. Typically what follows is spillage of any remains (and the wrath of the wench), and lord help you, breakage of bottles. This is a NO NO. You will be on the couch for lord knows how long. Don’t even attempt this.

2) The Beer Belly Embrace
This technique requires that you gather up a number of bottles and clasp them against your belly while you then reach down for additional bottles to add to your load. Initially, this seems like a good idea. You get three or four bottles firmly ensconced against your carbo loving gut, and then reach down for a few more to add to the load. Oh dear… beer leftovers all over the floor. Who’s going to clean that up?

You’ll notice that I have a maximum of five bottles here with little room left to spare. Trying to push this limit will result in catrastrophe. Don’t do it.
Never fear. The Beer Bottle Transportation Technique is here to save you from the ugly repercussions of your alcohol addiction. Or, at least, the part where you leave beer bottles strewn all over the place.

Solution:

This technique requires the use technology that is available to almost all individuals as shown below:

Hopefully, you have five fingers to share amongst you.

- Step 1: Position ONE finger directly above the bottleneck of the target beer bottle thusly:

- Step 2: Lower finger into bottleneck until a firm seal is achieved.

- Step 3: Repeat Steps 1 and 2 until you look like a cow ready to get milked at a dairy farm. I’ve found that it is easiest to start at one end of your hand and work to the other end.

If you have no doors or other hindrances, between you and wherever you are stashing your bottles, I recommend that you go full throttle and load up your other hand with bottles thusly:

That’s a full load of ten bottles of beer. Because each bottle is stoppered with a finger, there is no worry about any beer pilling out of the bottles during transportation.
If doors must be navigated, I recommend that one employ the Beer Bottle Transportation Technique mixed in with an added Beer Belly Embrace. Simply proceed with steps one through three and then add a few extras tucked tightly against that gut of yours. This will allow one free hand to negotiate doorknobs and the like.

Note: Do not try this with beer cans. You’ll shred your fingers open. And what are you drinking out of cans for anyway?

What do you get when you combine an overweight (slightly!) middle-aged male with a good sense of humor, a pair of old jeans, a digital camera, video and audio editing software, and that damn Right Said Fred tune?

Well, this of course: I’m Too Sexy (Make sure your volume is on)

Or you can download a clearer but smaller version here.