I got into lots of trouble while learning to drive.
I had a problem using the brake pedal.
It wasn’t because I didnt want to come to a stop.
I just didn’t know if I could afford to replace what I broke.
I like watering plants.
It gives me a sense of power over the plants.
Because they cannot water themselves.
Don’t piss me off, plant, or I shall not water you.
The other day my wife asked my daughter to clean her room.
I said to my wife, “Why didn’t you just ask her to cure cancer, you’ll have the same result.”
I had a pot of cactii in which two of the cactii died suddenly.
I left the dead cactii in the pot to serve as a warning to all of the other cactii that were having rebellious thoughts:
“This is what you will look like if you stray from the path of growth and development.”
You see, cactii appreciate negative reinforcement, they use it themselves:
If you try to stroke a cactus lovingly, it will prick you.
I think they will get my message.
When I was a kid I discovered a frozen slug in our freezer.
I was confused as to how he got there.
Then I realised that he must have come in on the iceberg lettuce.
When I dig a hole in the dirt, I like to make a mound out of the extra dirt as close as I can to the hole. That way I wont throw off the earth’s gravitational spin.
I like digging in clay because its texturally challenging. Other dirt is like”oh ok”, but clay is like “No! I’m going to hang around here for a while.”
Male cats have it easy. All they need to worry about is getting it in the box. They have no concerns about female cats bitching that they didn’t put the seat down.
If I ever owned a market I would make sure that it was round. That way, no bastard could sneak in and corner it.
WTFWJD?
When people find out that I’m an Australian, they often ask me to tell them about my country. If I delve into the history of the country, I try to refer to it as a prison colony, not a penal colony. That way I dont give the impression that it was just a male-only nudist resort.
If I am ever out in the fields and I get attacked by a giant beetle of some sort, I am going to run for the nearest stretch of concrete. When the hungry beetle follows, I am going to suddenly turn around and barge into it, knocking it onto its back. Then I shall taunt it as it tries to right itself. If the barging thing doesn’t work, I’ll just keep running.
Today I saw a commercial type van drive by. In large letters painted across the vast majority of the side of the van were these words:
Office Space?
Call (some number)
Dear friends of Scott,
As the executor of his estate it is my sad duty to inform you that he passed away in a terrible cleaning accident in the kitchen of his Dallas, TX, home last night. The Dallas District Coroner has ruled the death as accidental. According to the incident report the accident occurred while he was cleaning out his garbage disposal. The disposal mechanism is believed to have engaged, resulting in the death.
He is survived by his wife and stepdaughter, many close relatives, and friends. I knew Scott briefly, and he struck me as a fine, humorous, easy going gentleman. I am sure that the world will be a little less brighter for his passing.
Please join me in wishing his family and loved ones the best.
The final task that I have here as part of this notice is to provide photographic evidence, released from the local authorities, of the scene of the accident for the legal purposes of this Notice of Death.
Scott’s Awesome Spaghetti Recipe
1. Take some spaghetti and drop it into a pot of boiling water.
2. Prepare a red spaghetti sauce filled with olives, herbs, and other good tasty stuff.
3. Toast half a loaf of garlic bread.
4. When spaghetti is al dente, throw it in the trash.
5. Generously spread delicious red spaghetti sauce over garlic bread.
6. Enjoy being in hog heaven
Seriously.
Spaghetti is bland, boring, and you rarely get any really scrumptious bits. Its like the Ann Rice of the pasta world, its only value being to draw your attention to how much you enjoy what is being served around it.
Now red sauce on toasted garlic bread? Thats spiffy!
So Amy calls me into the living room with the words “The secret ingredient is sea cucumber!”
We sat and watched the chefs collecting their ingredient and starting their preparation with a mixture of horror and curiosity.
Amy: “They look like flacid penises!”
No, I did not watch any more of that episode.
I wish I had the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away. With Mind Bullets!
Whenever I go through a Fast Food Drive-Thru, I feel odd asking for a Large Number Two.
Vacuuming = Indoor Mowing
The first sign that you have a really good thunderstorm happening in your neck of the woods, is that car alarms around the neighbourhood start going off simultaneously.
The second sign that you have a really good thunderstorm happening in your neck of the woods, is that the power goes off and as such your blog about the signs of a really good thunderstorm gets interrup