Sort of.

If you look over to the right, just under the main banner picture, you’ll see a new section now debuting on The Scott English Show.

See that RANDOM SHALLOW THOUGHTS heading? Yah, you got it.

Every time that you visit, you’ll find a randomly selected Shallow Thought displayed here. Yes, these are my own thoughts. And yes, they are shallow. I am a shallow sort of guy.

My influences for writing them are Jack Handy, Lazyboy and Mitch Hedburg. Although those are are big shoes to fill, especially Mitch’s whom was brilliant, they are unique to me. And while I could easily quote some geezer that didn’t live in the same freaking century as me, this blog is about my life, so you are going to get me spouting off in this compressed space, as well as the usually retarded posts.

So join me in welcoming the Shallow Thoughts out of the archives and into the blog realtime.

And yes, I am updating them regularly. The astute reader may even notice a few new ones immediately. But if you get the same old ones all the time. Don’t complain, take comfort in knowing that the universe - or at least my blog is unfolding it as it should.

Let me know what you think of this new addition to The Scott English Show (yes, go on, click the link to see another Shallow Thought) (ok, click it one more time)(stop clicking, I haven’t written that many new ones yet).

Thanks for stopping by, and remember: Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

Is it just me or does this desktop icon of Sauron’s All Seeing Eye for the game Battle for Middle-Earth look like a horribly inflamed (and painful) part of the female anatomy?

I got into lots of trouble while learning to drive.
I had a problem using the brake pedal.
It wasn’t because I didnt want to come to a stop.
I just didn’t know if I could afford to replace what I broke.

I like watering plants.
It gives me a sense of power over the plants.
Because they cannot water themselves.
Don’t piss me off, plant, or I shall not water you.

The other day my wife asked my daughter to clean her room.
I said to my wife, “Why didn’t you just ask her to cure cancer, you’ll have the same result.”

I had a pot of cactii in which two of the cactii died suddenly.
I left the dead cactii in the pot to serve as a warning to all of the other cactii that were having rebellious thoughts:
“This is what you will look like if you stray from the path of growth and development.”
You see, cactii appreciate negative reinforcement, they use it themselves:
If you try to stroke a cactus lovingly, it will prick you.
I think they will get my message.

When I was a kid I discovered a frozen slug in our freezer.
I was confused as to how he got there.
Then I realised that he must have come in on the iceberg lettuce.

When I dig a hole in the dirt, I like to make a mound out of the extra dirt as close as I can to the hole. That way I wont throw off the earth’s gravitational spin.

I like digging in clay because its texturally challenging. Other dirt is like”oh ok”, but clay is like “No! I’m going to hang around here for a while.”

Male cats have it easy. All they need to worry about is getting it in the box. They have no concerns about female cats bitching that they didn’t put the seat down.

If I ever owned a market I would make sure that it was round. That way, no bastard could sneak in and corner it.

WTFWJD?

When people find out that I’m an Australian, they often ask me to tell them about my country. If I delve into the history of the country, I try to refer to it as a prison colony, not a penal colony. That way I dont give the impression that it was just a male-only nudist resort.

If I am ever out in the fields and I get attacked by a giant beetle of some sort, I am going to run for the nearest stretch of concrete. When the hungry beetle follows, I am going to suddenly turn around and barge into it, knocking it onto its back. Then I shall taunt it as it tries to right itself. If the barging thing doesn’t work, I’ll just keep running.

Today I saw a commercial type van drive by. In large letters painted across the vast majority of the side of the van were these words:

I wish I had the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away. With Mind Bullets!

Whenever I go through a Fast Food Drive-Thru, I feel odd asking for a Large Number Two.

Vacuuming = Indoor Mowing

The next time you’re knocking back a nice cold Coors Light, realize that a werewolf wouldn’t be caught dead doing what you’re doing.

I just accidentally stepped on a slug.

I don’t think its going to make it.